32 lines
1.7 KiB
Markdown
32 lines
1.7 KiB
Markdown
+++
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categories = ["life", "memory", "me"]
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date = "2018-07-08"
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images = ["/img/1*QiRpt7tqra3moEbFQwtsnA.jpeg"]
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layout = "post"
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title = "Clawmarks on my memories"
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{{< image url="/img/1*QiRpt7tqra3moEbFQwtsnA.jpeg" caption="*Photo by [Andy Tootell](https://unsplash.com/photos/oRhhb0f2Kic?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/search/photos/scratch?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText)*" >}}
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One of the reasons I’m so *damn* good at living for the present is that I can’t remember the past.
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The instant a moment is gone it blurs, out of focus. Then it fades into the blackness. I can’t remember the mundane — what I had for lunch the other day, what movies I watched last week. Nor can I remember the special — the first kiss, the last heartbreak. It’s all gone.
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Faded out.
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I love it, and I *hate* it. I hate it, and I *love* it.
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It’s true that I can never be satisfied [without adrenaline]({{< ref "/post/2018/07/chasing-the-edge" >}} "Chasing The Edge"). But that isn’t the whole picture. Satisfaction is underpinned by *memory*. I cannot be satisfied in what I have done when I cannot remember it.
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I am cursed to wander — to always chase more. Adrenaline, and everything else. I cannot learn from a past that is no longer mine. I cannot remember fondly a laugh shared. I cannot relive the pain of a past heartbreak.
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I cannot remember.
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No matter how hard I try to hold, the memories always slip away. No matter how fiercely I claw. I have to live for the here and now, because otherwise [I ain’t got shit](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP5cjnVGJ38).
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I cannot remember.
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I love it.
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*I hate it.*
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