67 lines
3.3 KiB
Markdown
67 lines
3.3 KiB
Markdown
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layout: post
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title: "Indebted to hate"
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date: 2018-08-16
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---
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Photo by [Alex Iby](https://unsplash.com/photos/5cTvUcsrzLU?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/search/photos/hate?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText)I previously described in [my *fucking* feelings](https://medium.com/myfuckingfeelings/an-acidic-introduction-to-hate-love-c275655eb869) the pivot point of my life to date.
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The knife through the heart about which I spin, if you will.
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Whether discovery or reformation, that experience and those adjacent changed me fundamentally. It was a exemplar case of what is becoming, for better or worse³, my brand. Perfectly Awful.
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Wrong place. Wrong time. Wrong person.
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Wrong relationship.
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So very wrong that…
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…
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…
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You thought I might say so many wrongs made a right, didn’t you.
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Hell no. Life Is Shit. All the wrongs made a worse. I skipped right along into [the minefield](https://medium.com/@aronajones/they-are-supposed-to-be-minefield-warning-flags-not-mile-markers-note-to-self-remember-that-f9748ced9286). I even had the audacity to be *surprised* when it blew up in my face!
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But, those wrongs did make a write. *(Sorry!¹)*
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Without all of that, all of that raucous emotion, I’d have nothing to write about. But I also wouldn’t have thought to write to begin with.
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That is what I mean when I say indebted to hate. I am who I am *because* of what She did. No. What We did.
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You see, while we flew we dreamed. There it is again… Flew.
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Together we built a beautiful fantasy. Doomed — as all fantasies are — to [shattering](https://medium.com/frenetic-scribblings/we-fell-too-hard-too-fast-83d79fb4680c) on slightest brush with reality…but bear with me a moment.
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A fantasy in which we found our wings. Flew together, slew our daemons together. On wings of fire we fought and won. Ever together.
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A fantasy we dreamed together. The very best writing ever to flow from my fingers. The very **very** best.
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That’s why it hurt so damn much when we crashed.
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Because in reality we never had… Anything. We were two people dating a little bit, then it didn’t work out. Happens all the time. Just a part of life. What we lost in reality… Ain’t shit.
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It was the collapse of the skies that hurt. The burning out of the flame that we’d mutually kindled. We’d lived a thousand lives in our words.
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A fundamentally unsustainable thing to do. Deeply toxic even. And I see that now. But at the time it was Perfect.
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Maybe she didn’t even realise how much the world we built meant to me. Means to me. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t.
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I may have lost what we had together but I have not lost what we created. I still remember. How could I hope to forget.
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I suppose, if I wanted to be optimistic, it means I could remember how to fly.
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I shall leave you with word of Hers. Words I, for better or worse³, will always carry with me.
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*The best way out is always through. Angels got their halos walking through the fires of hell.*
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¹ Am I ever⸮²
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² [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irony\_punctuation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irony_punctuation)
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³ All⁴ swords must have their two edges, after all…
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⁴ Yes I know about katanas and the various others. Don’t get pedantic with me here. It’s *metaphor*, see.
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