partial port of new-old content

content/post/2018/07/chasing-the-edge.markdown

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+categories = ["life", "poetic", "me"]
+date = "2018-07-07"
+images = ["/img/1*CoN8gAcwONSumYsaadY8HQ.jpeg"]
+layout = "post"
+title = "Chasing the Edge"
+
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+
+![](/img/1*CoN8gAcwONSumYsaadY8HQ.jpeg)
+
+The Edge is that which lights. That which sets the blood pumping. That which sparks the soul.
+
+The Edge is the edge between life and death.
+
+Chasing the Edge leads to the Rush.
+
+The Rush is the fire lit from the Edge. The thump of heart pumping at the Edge. The blaze of soul sparked at the Edge.
+
+The Rush is adrenaline, nothing more — nothing less.
+
+It is also the only way I know how to *Live*.
+
+I don’t know how to feel other than the Rush. All I have is the Edge.
+
+The Edge makes me feel alive. Always have…always will…
+
+Of course, the thing about the Edge is it has to be dangerous. Else it wouldn’t *be *the Edge!
+
+Chasing the Rush is just like chasing the wind. Exciting, but ultimately futile. Each time it hits just a little less. Boosts just a little less. So I push closer to the Edge. One step, one step at a time. Chasing leaves on the breeze, head wired upwards. Couldn’t see the cliff coming up if I wanted to.
+
+Addiction.
+
+Addiction and…craving.
+
+I cannot feel satisfaction. Even at the Edge, there is no satisfaction. Always demand for MORE, MORE, *MORE*. Ever greater hits, ever greater heights.
+
+Sooner or later, it’ll kill me. Maybe then it’ll be satisfied. The Edge will have drawn the blood it demands. Maybe then *I’ll* be satisfied.
+
+<hr/>
+
+Originally published [on Medium](https://medium.com/frenetic-scribblings/chasing-the-edge-b473b3efd3e2)

content/post/2018/07/clawmarks-on-my-memories.markdown

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+categories = ["life", "memory", "me"]
+date = "2018-07-08"
+images = ["/img/1*QiRpt7tqra3moEbFQwtsnA.jpeg"]
+layout = "post"
+title = "Clawmarks on my memories"
+
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+{{< image url="/img/1*QiRpt7tqra3moEbFQwtsnA.jpeg" caption="*Photo by [Andy Tootell](https://unsplash.com/photos/oRhhb0f2Kic?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/search/photos/scratch?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText)*" >}}
+
+One of the reasons I’m so *damn* good at living for the present is that I can’t remember the past.
+
+The instant a moment is gone it blurs, out of focus. Then it fades into the blackness. I can’t remember the mundane — what I had for lunch the other day, what movies I watched last week. Nor can I remember the special — the first kiss, the last heartbreak. It’s all gone.
+
+Faded out.
+
+I love it, and I *hate* it. I hate it, and I *love* it.
+
+It’s true that I can never be satisfied [without adrenaline]({{< ref "/post/2018/07/chasing-the-edge" >}} "Chasing The Edge"). But that isn’t the whole picture. Satisfaction is underpinned by *memory*. I cannot be satisfied in what I have done when I cannot remember it.
+
+I am cursed to wander — to always chase more. Adrenaline, and everything else. I cannot learn from a past that is no longer mine. I cannot remember fondly a laugh shared. I cannot relive the pain of a past heartbreak.
+
+I cannot remember.
+
+No matter how hard I try to hold, the memories always slip away. No matter how fiercely I claw. I have to live for the here and now, because otherwise [I ain’t got shit](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP5cjnVGJ38).
+
+I cannot remember.
+
+I love it.
+
+*I hate it.*

content/post/2018/07/flickering-like-candle-flame-in-the-wind/index.markdown

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 +++
-title = "Flickering like candle-flame in the wind"
-date =	2018-07-01
 categories = ["fiction", "philosophy"]
+date = "2018-07-01T00:00:00+01:00"
+title = "Flickering like candle-flame in the wind"
+
 [[resources]]
-  src = "**iApOUMOp3jumngLFj3RhY*"
   name = "header thumbnail"
-  [resources.params.meta]
-        creator = "Paul Bulai"
-        sameAs = "https://unsplash.com/photos/XOQJa4OC8P0?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText" # also updates caption
-        license = "https://unsplash.com/license" # attribution not required
+  src = "**iApOUMOp3jumngLFj3RhY*"
+  [resources.params]
+    [resources.params.meta]
+      creator = "Paul Bulai"
+      license = "https://unsplash.com/license"
+      sameAs = "https://unsplash.com/photos/XOQJa4OC8P0?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"
+
 +++
 #### The edge of vision otherwise dark