+++
categories = ["fiction", "philosophy"]
date = "2018-07-01T00:00:00+01:00"
title = "Flickering like candle-flame in the wind"

[[resources]]
  name = "header thumbnail"
  src = "**iApOUMOp3jumngLFj3RhY*"
  [resources.params]
    [resources.params.meta]
      creator = "Paul Bulai"
      license = "https://unsplash.com/license"
      sameAs = "https://unsplash.com/photos/XOQJa4OC8P0?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"

+++
#### The edge of vision otherwise dark

[I have a blind mind’s eye.](https://medium.com/frenetic-scribblings/minds-eye-blind-93509e102fe)

> I don’t see mental images. It’s incredibly difficult to describe what I do see, but certainly not the vivid mental imagery that I’m told others experience.[1]I’ve also recently figured out I am a broadly visual learner. Which renders my memory next to useless. Since if I learn through imagery, and yet my image recall is short circuited…I can’t very well learn *anything* can I!

Though as I’ve said before, [some things stick](https://medium.com/frenetic-scribblings/some-things-stick-519bc645e86d). Somehow, moments of intense emotion stick. As for why, I couldn’t say. My relationship with emotions in general is *complex*, to say the least. I’m still working through that. One step at a time, one puzzle piece of my eight dimensional jigsaw at a time.[2]


> My mind is like a sieve, selecting if not the particularly good or bad, but the significant of all kinds.More to the point of *this *piece though, just now I experienced a phenomenon I’ll call ‘flickering’.

Just as with anything involving this subject it’s complex to describe. Maybe the best description is….

*Ghosted images, like the retina starbursts after firework flash. Flickering like the flame of a candle in hissing wind. Dancing on the peripheral of mental image. Tantalisingly unseen like a body’s curve clad in sheer silk. A Schrödinger's image.*

Why I can describe so well that which I cannot picture is another classic dilemma in my personal, crazy puzzle.[2] Regardless, I won’t elaborate on the image itself, but I’ll say it was a strong one. And yes, emotionally charged. Enjoyable, even.[3]

Now of course, it has vanished. Startled by my mental clawing at it, my trying to drag it into full, glorious vision, it has dissolved.

A grain of sand in the wind of time. Lost.[4]

[That’s not *all* bad, though.](https://medium.com/@aronajones/frenetic-scribblings-18-living-in-the-moment-fe903df21ee0)

All I can do is…


> **[wring] every ounce of experience out of every damn moment that I breath.** 

That’s turning out to to be a pretty sweet way to live.[5]

[1] Self-quoting wasn’t…well..self-indulgent, was it? I feel uncomfortably like it was.

[2] Excuse the metaphor — I certainly don’t mean to imply my mind is complex as in ‘smart’. More complex as in *pain in the arse*.

[3] Get your mind out of the gutter![4]

[4] Oh, was it just mine that was *in* the gutter to begin with? Damn…

[4] Dammit. I really *was* enjoying that.[3]

[5] Course, I’m not very good at it.[6]

[7] Yet