+++
title = "Jekyll and Hyde Philosophy"
description = "Torn between the bad and the ugly"
date = "2018-04-30"
categories = ["life", "me", "philosophy"]
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I’ve mused before about my irreconcilable dual philosophy. The part of me that inspires the ‘Neither do I’ in my bio [Ed. Note 2021: Bio previously read 'Adrenaline Junkie afraid to die. Doesn't make sense? Neither do I!'] — it’s not just there for the rhyme!

In the shower[1] just now it hit me what that is.

It’s a Jekyll and Hyde philosophy.

Sometimes, I attempt optimism with earnest. I see the world for what it *could be*, rather than the twisted anarchy that it is. And I am fired to fight towards that. My philosophy in these times is all-encompassing, laid back and non-judgmental. I believe — truly believe — in a Utopian future.[2]

That’s my Jekyll philosophy. One of the best intentions.[3]

Then, I inevitably remember (or am reminded) [*Life is Shit*](https://medium.com/@WhereAngelsFearToTread/rainbows-lollipops-and-sunshine-498cdad1e3f).

This is the spiteful, cynical, middle finger to the universe side of my splintered worldview. Where I see that its a goddamn miracle the human race hasn’t obliterated itself *already *and we’re all living on borrowed time. A philosophy that is malevolent and selfish. Shit sucks and all we can do is make the best of it.

But it also brings an anger — a futile rage against the universe that doesn’t give a shit. And a justified rage against The Powers That Be which don’t give a shit *either.[4]*

That’s my Hyde philosophy. One of sometimes-righteous anger but shot through with wide cracks of black malice.

And so I am. And so I am torn.

Trapped and torn between two inconceivably opposed world views. Thinking one thing one moment, and the opposite the next. It is confusing and infuriating.

So I half hope that one side eventually wins this impossible war.

Though if that were to happen, I don’t know which side would win.

I don’t know which side I’d *want* to win, either.

[1] Why is it always the shower? I guess because its the only high-daydream activity we do regularly and consistently…

[2] Equality [Ed. Note 2021: Nope. Meant equity!] for all and all that wonderful bollox.

[3] For all the good that intentions are…

[4] And anger is a veritable powerplant of energy, creative and otherwise. If it was good enough for Terry Pratchett, it is more than good enough for me.