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@@ -4,7 +4,9 @@ title: "Chasing the Edge"
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date: 2018-07-07
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date: 2018-07-07
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The Edge is that which lights. That which sets the blood pumping. That which sparks the soul.
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The Edge is that which lights. That which sets the blood pumping. That which sparks the soul.
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The Edge is the edge between life and death.
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The Edge is the edge between life and death.
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@@ -32,4 +34,6 @@ I cannot feel satisfaction. Even at the Edge, there is no satisfaction. Always d
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Sooner or later, it’ll kill me. Maybe then it’ll be satisfied. The Edge will have drawn the blood it demands. Maybe then *I’ll* be satisfied.
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Sooner or later, it’ll kill me. Maybe then it’ll be satisfied. The Edge will have drawn the blood it demands. Maybe then *I’ll* be satisfied.
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<hr/>
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Originally published [on Medium](https://medium.com/frenetic-scribblings/chasing-the-edge-b473b3efd3e2)
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@@ -3,8 +3,9 @@ layout: post
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title: "Clawmarks on my memories"
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title: "Clawmarks on my memories"
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date: 2018-07-08
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date: 2018-07-08
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{{< image url="/img/1*QiRpt7tqra3moEbFQwtsnA.jpeg" caption="*Photo by [Andy Tootell](https://unsplash.com/photos/oRhhb0f2Kic?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/search/photos/scratch?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText)*" >}}
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Photo by [Andy Tootell](https://unsplash.com/photos/oRhhb0f2Kic?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/search/photos/scratch?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText)One of the reasons I’m so *damn* good at living for the present is that I can’t remember the past.
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One of the reasons I’m so *damn* good at living for the present is that I can’t remember the past.
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The instant a moment is gone it blurs, out of focus. Then it fades into the blackness. I can’t remember the mundane — what I had for lunch the other day, what movies I watched last week. Nor can I remember the special — the first kiss, the last heartbreak. It’s all gone.
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The instant a moment is gone it blurs, out of focus. Then it fades into the blackness. I can’t remember the mundane — what I had for lunch the other day, what movies I watched last week. Nor can I remember the special — the first kiss, the last heartbreak. It’s all gone.
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@@ -12,18 +13,16 @@ Faded out.
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I love it, and I *hate* it. I hate it, and I *love* it.
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I love it, and I *hate* it. I hate it, and I *love* it.
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It’s true that I can never be satisfied [without adrenaline](https://medium.com/frenetic-scribblings/chasing-the-edge-b473b3efd3e2). But that isn’t the whole picture. Satisfaction is underpinned by *memory*. I cannot be satisfied in what I have done when I cannot remember it.
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It’s true that I can never be satisfied [without adrenaline]({{< ref "/blog/2018-07-07-chasing-the-edge" >}} "Chasing The Edge"). But that isn’t the whole picture. Satisfaction is underpinned by *memory*. I cannot be satisfied in what I have done when I cannot remember it.
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I am cursed to wander — to always chase more. Adrenaline, and everything else. I cannot learn from a past that is no longer mine. I cannot remember fondly a laugh shared. I cannot relive the pain of a past heartbreak.
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I am cursed to wander — to always chase more. Adrenaline, and everything else. I cannot learn from a past that is no longer mine. I cannot remember fondly a laugh shared. I cannot relive the pain of a past heartbreak.
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I cannot remember.
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I cannot remember.
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No matter how hard I try to hold, the memories always slip away. No matter how fiercely I claw. I have to live for the here and now, because otherwise I ain’t got shit.
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No matter how hard I try to hold, the memories always slip away. No matter how fiercely I claw. I have to live for the here and now, because otherwise [I ain’t got shit](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP5cjnVGJ38).
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I cannot remember.
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I cannot remember.
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I love it.
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I love it.
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*I hate it.*
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*I hate it.*
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@@ -16,7 +16,7 @@ images:
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{{< image url="/img/tony-rojas-lk5MYKmGyFE-unsplash.jpg" caption="*Photo by [Tony Rojas](https://unsplash.com/@tonyrojasstudio?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/s/photos/blindfold?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText)*" class="full-width" >}}
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{{< image url="/img/tony-rojas-lk5MYKmGyFE-unsplash.jpg" caption="*Photo by [Tony Rojas](https://unsplash.com/@tonyrojasstudio?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/s/photos/blindfold?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText)*" class="full-width" >}}
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</div>
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</div>
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Quite a while<sup>1</sup> I [wrote]({{< ref "/blog/2016-12-16-minds-eye-blind" >}} "About Us") about my experience of aphantasia. At the time I said<sup>2</sup>:
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Quite a while<sup>1</sup> I [wrote]({{< ref "/blog/2016-12-16-minds-eye-blind" >}} "Mind's Eye ") about my experience of aphantasia. At the time I said<sup>2</sup>:
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> It’s forced me to live in the present. But, like Zeman, I don’t feel that that’s entirely a bad thing, something to suffer from. A difference, not a handicap.
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> It’s forced me to live in the present. But, like Zeman, I don’t feel that that’s entirely a bad thing, something to suffer from. A difference, not a handicap.
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