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FreneticScribbler
2021-01-11 15:54:59 +00:00
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_drafts/2018-07-07-chasing-the-edge.markdown → content/blog/2018-07-07-chasing-the-edge.markdown
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@@ -4,7 +4,9 @@ title: "Chasing the Edge"
date: 2018-07-07 date: 2018-07-07
--- ---
![](/img/1*CoN8gAcwONSumYsaadY8HQ.jpeg)The Edge is that which lights. That which sets the blood pumping. That which sparks the soul. ![](/img/1*CoN8gAcwONSumYsaadY8HQ.jpeg)
The Edge is that which lights. That which sets the blood pumping. That which sparks the soul.
The Edge is the edge between life and death. The Edge is the edge between life and death.
@@ -32,4 +34,6 @@ I cannot feel satisfaction. Even at the Edge, there is no satisfaction. Always d
Sooner or later, it’ll kill me. Maybe then it’ll be satisfied. The Edge will have drawn the blood it demands. Maybe then *I’ll* be satisfied. Sooner or later, it’ll kill me. Maybe then it’ll be satisfied. The Edge will have drawn the blood it demands. Maybe then *I’ll* be satisfied.
<hr/>
Originally published [on Medium](https://medium.com/frenetic-scribblings/chasing-the-edge-b473b3efd3e2)

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_drafts/2018-07-08-clawmarks-on-my-memories.markdown → content/blog/2018-07-08-clawmarks-on-my-memories.markdown
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@@ -3,8 +3,9 @@ layout: post
title: "Clawmarks on my memories" title: "Clawmarks on my memories"
date: 2018-07-08 date: 2018-07-08
--- ---
{{< image url="/img/1*QiRpt7tqra3moEbFQwtsnA.jpeg" caption="*Photo by [Andy Tootell](https://unsplash.com/photos/oRhhb0f2Kic?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/search/photos/scratch?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText)*" >}}
![](/img/1*QiRpt7tqra3moEbFQwtsnA.jpeg)Photo by [Andy Tootell](https://unsplash.com/photos/oRhhb0f2Kic?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/search/photos/scratch?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText)One of the reasons I’m so *damn* good at living for the present is that I can’t remember the past. One of the reasons I’m so *damn* good at living for the present is that I can’t remember the past.
The instant a moment is gone it blurs, out of focus. Then it fades into the blackness. I can’t remember the mundane — what I had for lunch the other day, what movies I watched last week. Nor can I remember the special — the first kiss, the last heartbreak. It’s all gone. The instant a moment is gone it blurs, out of focus. Then it fades into the blackness. I can’t remember the mundane — what I had for lunch the other day, what movies I watched last week. Nor can I remember the special — the first kiss, the last heartbreak. It’s all gone.
@@ -12,18 +13,16 @@ Faded out.
I love it, and I *hate* it. I hate it, and I *love* it. I love it, and I *hate* it. I hate it, and I *love* it.
It’s true that I can never be satisfied [without adrenaline](https://medium.com/frenetic-scribblings/chasing-the-edge-b473b3efd3e2). But that isn’t the whole picture. Satisfaction is underpinned by *memory*. I cannot be satisfied in what I have done when I cannot remember it. It’s true that I can never be satisfied [without adrenaline]({{< ref "/blog/2018-07-07-chasing-the-edge" >}} "Chasing The Edge"). But that isn’t the whole picture. Satisfaction is underpinned by *memory*. I cannot be satisfied in what I have done when I cannot remember it.
I am cursed to wander — to always chase more. Adrenaline, and everything else. I cannot learn from a past that is no longer mine. I cannot remember fondly a laugh shared. I cannot relive the pain of a past heartbreak. I am cursed to wander — to always chase more. Adrenaline, and everything else. I cannot learn from a past that is no longer mine. I cannot remember fondly a laugh shared. I cannot relive the pain of a past heartbreak.
I cannot remember. I cannot remember.
No matter how hard I try to hold, the memories always slip away. No matter how fiercely I claw. I have to live for the here and now, because otherwise I ain’t got shit. No matter how hard I try to hold, the memories always slip away. No matter how fiercely I claw. I have to live for the here and now, because otherwise [I ain’t got shit](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP5cjnVGJ38).
I cannot remember. I cannot remember.
I love it. I love it.
*I hate it.* *I hate it.*

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content/blog/2021-01-01-stolenpast.md
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@@ -16,7 +16,7 @@ images:
{{< image url="/img/tony-rojas-lk5MYKmGyFE-unsplash.jpg" caption="*Photo by [Tony Rojas](https://unsplash.com/@tonyrojasstudio?utm_source=unsplash&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_content=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/s/photos/blindfold?utm_source=unsplash&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_content=creditCopyText)*" class="full-width" >}} {{< image url="/img/tony-rojas-lk5MYKmGyFE-unsplash.jpg" caption="*Photo by [Tony Rojas](https://unsplash.com/@tonyrojasstudio?utm_source=unsplash&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_content=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/s/photos/blindfold?utm_source=unsplash&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_content=creditCopyText)*" class="full-width" >}}
</div> </div>
Quite a while<sup>1</sup> I [wrote]({{< ref "/blog/2016-12-16-minds-eye-blind" >}} "About Us") about my experience of aphantasia. At the time I said<sup>2</sup>: Quite a while<sup>1</sup> I [wrote]({{< ref "/blog/2016-12-16-minds-eye-blind" >}} "Mind's Eye ") about my experience of aphantasia. At the time I said<sup>2</sup>:
> It’s forced me to live in the present. But, like Zeman, I don’t feel that that’s entirely a bad thing, something to suffer from. A difference, not a handicap. > It’s forced me to live in the present. But, like Zeman, I don’t feel that that’s entirely a bad thing, something to suffer from. A difference, not a handicap.